Chuck Norris gets Lost in Paradise

by Roger Bourke White Jr., copyright June 2017


This is an assignment for my ENG 2270 Fiction Writing class: write a folklore story.


Flying High

Chuck Norris is flying high. He is straddled between two commercial jet planes flying side-by-side high in the sky, he has one foot on each. (see it here)

He looks down. He is where he wants to be. He gives a friendly wave to the pilots in both planes, hops up and off, and heads down like a rock. He is headed for the ground without a parachute, but he looks calm and collected.

Halfway down he falls through a flock of geese. He grabs one with each hand. They squawk in surprise, keep their wings stretched out, and the trio reach the ground, all unharmed. Chuck lets them go and gives them a friendly wave. They fly back to the flock.

Chuck lands in front of a small house built of straw. Standing in front of the house is Bruce Lee.

"Where's the pig?" asks Chuck.

"He took a break." replies Bruce, "If you want to blow this place down, you go through me first." Then the action starts.

"Mrreeeah!" shouts Bruce as he assumes his classic Kung Fu starting pose.

"Haarah!" shouts Chuck back as he gets in his custom Chun Kuk Do pose.

But before the two go at it Chuck pauses, grabs two cigarettes and says, "Speaking of huffing and puffing... smoke first?"

Bruce looks, looks again, then says, "OK." He relaxes and takes one. Chuck lights both with an old-fashioned, strike-anywhere wooden match. He tosses it behind him, but instead of going out it bounces off a nearby tree branch and rolls into the straw house. Neither notice. They get ready to start again, back in fighting pose, then Bruce sniffs and Chuck points at the house, "You have a problem." he announces.

Bruce gasps and hustles for the house to put out the fire that has started there. Chuck waves and walks on by. That fire will keep Bruce busy as Chuck moves on towards his goal.


Next Chuck goes into a forest. He is following a path that leads to a small stream. Over the stream crosses a small bridge. Standing in front of the bridge is the big Black Knight holding a sword as tall as he is and wearing a sturdy helmet that has only a small viewing slit in the front.

"None shall pass." declares Black Knight in a booming voice.

Chuck sizes up this new situation, says, "Just a moment..." and slips behind some nearby bushes. He comes out dressed as a nun.

The Black Knight looks, and looks again, "Uh... uh... Alright." and he moves aside for Nun-Chuck to cross the bridge.

When he gets to the far side Chuck waves and says, "Watch out for my new friend." He points behind the Black Knight to an ent -- a walking tree -- which is now confronting the Black Knight. The Black Knight lifts his sword and says, "Ah... Now for the limb-from-limb battle."

Chuck moves on.


Chuck climbs some beautiful wide stairs to a Pearly Gate surrounded by clouds. In front of the gate is... a Chuck Norris. This second Chuck Norris announces, "You are The One, I am The Minus One."

Chuck makes a martial arts move, the Minus Chuck imitates it exactly. Ouch! This could get difficult.

Chuck thinks for a moment, then calms down and assumes the position of namaste. In a calm voice he announces, "I am the square root of One."

Minus chuck assumes the same position and announces, "I am the square root of Minus One."

Chuck smiles, resumes a normal stance, says, "Then you are imaginary." and walks through Minus One, to the gate, and through it. He waves to Minus One as he walks into Paradise.


There, in the verdant garden he enters, are twenty lovely ladies.

Chuck rubs his hands in anticipation, "Are you my twenty virgins?"

The lead lady smiles back and says, "Yes... and we are going to stay that way." She comes up, puts a wreath of flowers on Chuck's neck and gives him a very light, chaste, kiss.

Chuck's smile drains away and becomes dread. He looks behind him. The path behind him has changed in direction, it wanders aimlessly. In the distance he hears The Pearly Gate clang shut.

He backs away, the women wave at him.

He realizes he is... Lost in Paradise.




--The End--