Saving Hanna Hardass

A Tale of Superheroes

by Rojero De Blanco, copyright October 2009

Hanna Hardass is marrying the wrong guy! And Eddy Current and Glatu Seemee have to save her... but there's a twist!

The Cast

Eddy Current Glatu Seemee In-bred Jed Hanna Hardass Bubba Fett Cracka
Eddy Current Glatu Seemee In-bred Jed Hanna Hardass Bubba Fett Cracka
Eddy Current

Name: Eddy Current

Power: Electricity


"Hey, it's just Eddy.

I come from an alternate dimension. One where mankind has discovered an alien space ship! But it's been abandoned... dead actually, for millions of years.

We that live on Saturn's moon of Titan have been collecting bits and pieces of what we call HX technology... after the HX alien. I collected some bits and pieces, and made some neat lightning devices.

This isn't something I can mess around with on Titan, so I'm here to find out just what I can make from this HX stuff. If I get this right, I think I'll end up with a super pacemaker!"

Glatu Seemee

Name: Glatu Seemee

Power: Healing


I am the demi-dieity of Courtesanship (in it's formal meaning). My worshippers have a cult: The Glatu Seemee. The cult greeting is, "Is that something in your pocket or are you Glatu Seemee?)

In-bred Jed

Name: In-bred Jed

Power: Persuasion


"U ain't frum around here, r u?

Shur, me'un me kin 'ur hatched... come from under the same rock, we did! We is family, and proud of it!

So when u tred by us, u tred wif respec!"

Hanna Hardass

Name: Hanna Hardass

Power: Martial Arts


"This is my nickname at Marine Military Academy. I was the first woman cadet, and got in with a bruising legal battle. I left after a year saying, 'This place is too soft.'

The administration 'Tut, Tut'ed me, but since I left as class valedictorian and with my three meanest hazers spending the summer in the hospital, I think they are happy I'm such a likeable and forgiving person."

Bubba Fett Cracka

Name: Bubba Fett Cracka

Power: Hah! Who needs a power when you got the right gun!


"I wuz born in the hills o' WesVirginny. Did huntin an trappin there. Wrassled bears, I did!

Tried wrassling people in a cage in that big ole city o' Charleston... yeah, it's a blast smashin heads.

But wut I really like is stalkin bad guys that are on the loose. Ah wings 'um, cuffs 'um and turns 'um in fur their just desserts... and the bounty money.

Umm-humm... too much fun!"



The Story


--Deep in the hills of western West Virginia

"Are you sure you're on the right road?" Asked Glatu Seemee as she checked the map one more time. The road was following a winding stream bed flanked by steep hills thickly covered with old growth forest.

"How could I be on the wrong road! There hasn't been a turnoff for miles!" replied Eddy Current. But it was clear he too was getting flustered.

"We could ask--"

"No we couldn't. There hasn't been a person or car for miles, either. Unless you talk bear talk or deer talk... or squirrel talk?" Eddy looked at Glatu questioningly.

"No, I don't," She said patiently.

"Just checking. I already know you can sweet talk," He grinned at her in a happy way, briefly, then the frustration was back.

Eddy and Glatu were just getting to know each other. And superheroes, just like any other kind of folk, can have surprises up their sleeves.

"Tease!" she said back to him, and rubbed his neck, then went back to watching the scenery, looking for a sign of where they were.

Eddy's weapon power was electricity, but he had another power that would now come in handy. He stopped the car, got out, and jumped fifty feet into the air. It was super jump and he was using it to look around. Glatu could have flown up and looked around for longer -- her power was flying -- but Eddy's way was working fine.

"There are some buildings just around this bend. We can stop there and ask," He said.

They would have been using their car's GPS, but he'd had an "Oops!" earlier when he was showing off to Glatu and the oops had fried the car's electric system. He was a good device guy, it was his second power, so he'd gotten the car running again, but that was all. Glatu had been patient with his antics, not that surprising since being a super nurse was her first power.

They drove into the graveled parking lot of a place called the Dew Drop Inn -- one of those one-building country taverns that seem to pop up in the middle of nowhere on the winding country roads that are far from any big city.

Eddy looked skeptical, "What will we find in a place like this?"

Glatu smiled at him, "A cold drink and some directions," She said, then laughed and continued, "And maybe some hillbillies and a bar fight from the looks of this place. Come on!" She hopped out the car and waited for Eddy.

Eddy sighed and joined her. "We don't have anything like this on Titan, but I've seen Earth movies. ..."

Glatu laughed again and locked her arm in his to reassure him, "We'll be fine," she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. The reassurance worked, and they strode into the place arm-in-arm, with Eddy feeling like John Wayne in a cowboy movie.


The light in the tavern was dim, and Hank Williams was blaring out from the juke box on the wall beside the bar. The place was empty but for the bartender and a group of men sitting at one table over beers. The bartender was standing behind them and talking with them, and they seemed be having some kind of heated discussion. But it stopped as Eddy and Glatu walked in. The men, some of them looked mighty young to be calling men, stopped talking and stared at the strangers. The oldest was clearly the leader, and the most peculiar looking, and he stared just as hard as the rest. The bartender walked behind the bar and waited.

Feeling very self-concious again, Eddy proceeded to the bar with Glatu on his arm and ordered two beers. Without a word, the bartender popped down two glasses and two bottles, and twisted off the tops for them.

Eddy and Glatu poured and took their first taste. When they lowered their glasses the bartender said, "I'll be right over yonder if you be needin anything else," and he walked back to the table with the men.

The discussion started up again, but this time in whispers -- these country boys were concerned and angry about something, but it clearly wasn't any of Eddy's and Glatu's business. They looked around, noted the stuffed bear, and deer heads mounted on the walls and continued their drinking.

Eddy saw something strange and pointed at one of the heads, "How does a fawn grow antlers?" he asked. Glatu looked up and almost choked on her drink as she suppressed a mirthful laugh: Eddy was pointing at a jackalope -- a mythical half antelope/half rabbit animal -- this particular one having been created by some taxidermist with a sense of humor.

When she recovered she said, "You need to ask about where we are, anyway, why don't you ask the bartender?"

Eddy looked at her, he could see she was in on some joke that he wasn't. He sighed and presumed it was a harmless one.

"Excuse me, Mr. Bartender." he said loudly enough to be heard. The talking at the table stopped instantly, "Two questions for you."

"First, are we in Gilbert? and second, why does that fawn over there have antlers?"

Everyone one at the table looked at where Eddy was pointing, then burst out laughing. Some were laughing and slapping their knees, some were laughing so hard they were crying.

"I guess I made someone's day," Eddy said out of the side of his mouth to Glatu. She patted his arm reassuringly, "You did. You'll see."

The bartender answered back politely, "No, you're in Glibert Creek, not Gilbert. Gilbert is ten miles north of here. You took the wrong turn a-ways back. It happens. As for that... 'fawn', it's a--"

The leader at the table held up his hand and the bartender stopped.

"You folks ain't from around here, are you?" He stood up and walked over to them, and held out his hand, "Jed's the name, In-bred Jed, and these are my boys, here." The boys waved -- those that weren't still wiping their eyes and recovering from their laughing fits.

Eddy shook his hand, "Eddy Current, and this is Glatu Seemee." Jed shook Glatu's hand, too.

"Pleased to meetcha," Jed pointed at the jackalope, "That creature be a jackalope, not a fawn--" he stared down hard at the boys, which suppressed the ripple of smirks and giggles that were starting again at the table, "It's half jackrabbit and half antelope, and some folks say it can jump near fifty feet high! ... sorta like what one of my boys says you did, just afore you came in here."

Eddy and Glatu both look at Jed wide-eyed.

"You're some kinda superhero, ain't'cha," He nodded knowingly.

"Well... some kind of one," said Eddy suspiciously.

Jed looked him up and down. "It just so happens, you come along at just the right time, Eddy, 'cause we got ourselves a genuine damsel in distress that needs rescuin!"


"This is insane," Eddy muttered again for the umpteenth time, "How did we get talked into this?"

He and Glatu were standing in the driveway of a church. The parking lot was filled with pickup trucks and there was organ music wafting out from the small white clapboard church in front of them.

"We're at a small church over the state line, near Phelps, Kentucky, to break up a wedding?"

"He's quite a talker isn't he," agreed Glatu Seemee, but neither one seemed ready to back out of this crazy project.

"You think he really is a McCoy? ... Who are the McCoys, anyway?"

"It's part of the history of this region. The Hatfields and McCoys were two feuding families, and as I've heard the story it got so bloody they had to call in army troops to restore order." She looked around, "This land is sure peaceful looking, but the people sometimes aren't."

"So he's afraid to come over these trackless hills?"

"It sounds like he's afraid he'll get into the sights of this Bubba Fett Cracka character."

"We've heard of him on Titan. He's been in a couple videos. He's a mean, mean man."

"Oh, that's just movie stuff. I'm sure he's quite a nice person in person."

They headed for the church.

Before they got half way there, they were confronted by two six-foot tall bouncer-looking men sporting hunter-orange down vests and large-gage shotguns.

"You ain't from around here, are you," said one. Eddy wasn't happy to hear that again. "This here's for invited guests only, you'd best be moving on... specially if you's comin from In-bred Jed's direction!!" The two men pointed their shotguns at Glatu and Eddy.


Eddie looked at Glatu and shrugged. He turned as if he was going to back down, but instead he kicked in his Short Circuit power. There was a brief hum then a sharp crack and every electrical device within twenty feet took a huge EMP hit, and the guards dropped like they'd been tasered. It would have been a neat quiet solution, except every pickup with a burglar alarm that was beyond twenty feet started blaring.

The crack of a rifle shot came from the church bell tower, and part of Eddy's right arm erupted into a red haze of blood and muscle. Eddy and Glatu ducked behind the nearest pickup, and Glatu started tending his wound. She was fast, darn fast, and in seconds Eddy's arm was bandaged and functioning again.

They heard a shout from the tower, "You ain't from around here are you, Saturn Boy!"

"Grrr!" said Eddy.

"You'd best be leavin now. This here's Hatfield country and you Jeddites ain't welcome... specially not to my weddin!"

"I think we found Bubba," said Glatu.

People were coming out of the church now, men mostly. They were running for their pickups, and Eddy noticed that most of the pickups had gun racks in the back window that were there for a reason.

"This is going to get ugly fast," he said.

Eddy turned invisible. "He's alone up there. I'm going to grab him." He jumped for the tower. Glatu turned invisible, too, and flew after him.

Eddy's jump was on the money, and as he landed he grabbed Bubba by his down vest. But, he wasn't prepared for the trip mine Bubba had planted in the tower. It went off, which smacked Eddy hard into the church bell, then completely out of the bell tower! He would have fallen forty feet and landed, stunned, in the middle of angry, shotgun-toting mob wondering what caused the bell to ring, if Glatu hadn't caught him and flown them away.


"Well, at least we stopped the wedding," said Eddy as Glatu patched him up some more, "Bubba's vest had the wedding rings, and now we have those."

Just then his cell phone rang, and he answered. "Yeah... yeah... This is crazy! ... Girl Sprout Jamboree camp... a mile west of here. OK, we'll be there."

He said to Glatu Seemee, "Hanna Hardass called Jed. She wants to meet us at the Girl Sprout Jamboree Camp near here and talk. He said... how did he put it... 'Watch out! She's madder and meaner than a Pit Bull on Crack.'" Eddy laughed, "They do have fun ways of saying things around here."

Eddy jumped and Glatu flew to the jamboree.


They found Hanna in the center of the main assembly area. Next to her was a stocky old lady with a sourpuss face, and surrounding both of them at a respectable distance were dozens of young girls, some dressed in beige outfits and some in dark brown. Hanna stood out in her red and white outfit -- she looked like the kind of elf Santa would really enjoy having help around the workshop.

"You didn't know I used to be a Girl Sprout did you?" Hanna informed them when they landed next to her, "This was my Sprout Master, and these girls are her new Brownites and Club Sprouts."

When she said that, the Sprout Master whipped out a pair of 9mm Glocks, "I'm the English teacher around here, and they haven't nicknamed me Gramma Nazi for no reason. Girls..." she commanded the troop around her. The Brownites grabbed bows and arrows that were laying beside them, and the Club Sprouts grabbed... clubs!

"Hanna tells us you're here to steal our cookies," said the Gramma Nazi sternly.

Now it was Eddy's and Glatu's turn to engage in some knee-slapping laughing. Eddy held up his hand in a stop motion as he tried to control himself. With tears in his eyes he said, "No, no, and we're not from around here, either." then lost it and went back to laughing some more.

A few seconds later they sobered up, "No, we here to save Hanna."

Hanna's turn to laugh, but for her it was just a quick, "Hah! Save me from what!" now she held up her hand saying stop, "Don't bother to answer that. Just give me the rings you took from Bubba. I've got a wedding to finish here."

She rushed Eddy and before he could even blink, she lifted him up, gave him an airplane spin and tossed him heavily to the ground. There were cheers from the Brownites and Club Sprouts.

Before things could get out of hand, Glatu threw her biggest spell, Dark Energy, and everyone twenty feet around was entangled with black etherial tentacles springing up from out of the ground. The tentacles held people still and sucked away at their energy so they would be weakened for a while even after the tentacles retreated.

Bubba's vest had a pair of handcuffs as well as the rings. Glatu cuffed Hanna's wrists behind her, then she flew off with Eddy and Hanna in hand, headed back to Gilbert Creek.


"Well, I am sure delighted to see you, darlin!" Jed grabbed Hanna by her hair, pulled her to him, and gave her a big slobbery kiss. At first Hanna eyes were filled with dread and she struggled, but once the kiss started she calmed down, and by the end of it, she seemed to be enjoying it. He took off the cuffs and she stood by him, relaxed, happy, sneaking quick admiring looks at him, and wanting to touch him a little.

"And I want to thank you two for saving my girl here from a big mistake. Here's a jug of some of our local spirits that you can share. This is some of Gilbert Creek's finest White Lightnin." He gave them a jug filled with moonshine.

"Have a good time, y'all, and come back real soon now y'hear!"

Jed waved to Eddy and Glatu as they hopped in their car and headed back down the road to take the right turn that would get them to Gilbert and beyond.


When they woke up the next morning, Jed's mind control had worn off.

"It really was insane!" said Eddy as he knocked on Glatu's door.

"It's an impressive talent, but I think I can work up a protective ointment. It happens when he touches you. It comes from his skin oils."

Eddy looked at her, "We need to save Hanna. I don't know what he has in mind, but it can't be good."


They jumped and flew back to Gilbert Creek and the Dew Drop Inn. The bartender didn't miss a beat when they came in. "He's marryin her, at the church up the road a bit." They rushed out.

At the church there was a surprise waiting in the parking lot. Bubba Fett Cracka was there, on his knees, hands behind his head, surrounded by mean-looking country boys holding guns on him.

Eddy turned invisible, landed beside him, and did a Short Circuit. He and Glatu pulled Bubba out and revived him.

"I'm here to rescue Hanna, but I'd better rescue my gun first," he said. He found it and the trio headed in the front door.


Inside the preacher was holding up his Bible and saying, "If any man objects to this wedding, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." A shot rang out and the Bible was shredded into little pieces that fluttered to the floor.

"Ah do!" yelled Bubba.

Jed turned, saw him, and whistled. From out of the crowd those same fellows that were at the table in the tavern advanced on Bubba. "You don't stand a chance, Bubba, these boys have been Jedi Trained... by me personal! Take him, boys, and those city-slickers, too!"

Hanna was beside him, still looking quiet, peaceful and bridely.

"I need to get to her," said Glatu, and she turned invisible.

For the next minute, Bubba and Eddy kept the boys busy, and the rest of the crowd emptied from the church through the windows. It was a seesaw battle, it could go either way. At first Jed cursed and issued orders to his boys. When it was clear this wouldn't end quickly, he turned to the preacher and bellowed, "FINISH THIS WEDDIN'... NOW!"

The preacher started fast talking, but before he could finish, Glatu had slipped up behind Hanna and with a delicate flick of her fingers had put some antidote on Hanna's lips. Hanna licked her lips, then the scales fell from her eyes!

The preacher finished his preliminaries and looked at Hanna, "Hanna, do you-"

"I DON'T!" She yelled as she launched a roundhouse kick to Jed's head, "I'm gonna rip your head off, In-bred Jed, and spit down the hole!" The blow connected, he dropped like a rock, and it was all over.

Hanna stood over him, hands on her hips, and she scolded him, "What's going on here, Jed, I ain't one of your sisters!"

"Yur just as pretty as one of them," He said as he checked to see if his head was still attached; he stayed on the floor.

"Well you just head on back to Woolverton Mountain if your looking for a wife. Clifton Clowers is your brother, ain't he, and he's got a pretty young daughter."

"Yeah, but he's mighty handy with a gun and a knife," groused Jed.

"Are her tender lips sweeter than honey?" interjected Eddy, he was near to knee-slap laughing again as he listened to this exchange. He knew the song.

Hanna and Jed looked at him sharply. "Sorry," He shut up.

"Well... I still love my Momma," said Jed, and he the boys pulled out.


Hanna and Bubba finished their wedding the next day back in Phelps. Eddy and Glatu were there, cheering them on this time along with all the Girl Sprouts from the jamboree, and Glatu caught the bouquet.


-- The End --

Cultural References

One of the fun parts of writing a story such as this one is jamming in as many cultural references as possible. See how many of these you caught.

An eddy current is a physics concept. It's an unwanted side effect when running an electric motor or generator. Eddy's coming from Titan, Saturn's largest moon, comes from my Honeycomb Comet series of stories.

Glatu Seemee is based on a vaudeville joke that was made famous by actress Mae West when she quipped it in the 1930's.

In-bred Jed was inspried by a 1991 Mike Judge short animation.

Bubba Fett Cracka is a play off of bounty hunter Boba Fett in Star Wars.

Gramma Nazi is a play off of Grammar Nazi, slang for an overly prescriptive English editor or teacher.

The song Eddy knew was Wolverton Mountain sung by Claude King (1962).

And here's a link to a Hank Williams song, he was the Michael Jackson of country music in the 1940's and 50's.

And finally, a picture of the elusive jackalope.