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The Cow-Human Relation,
from the Cow Perspective

by Roger Bourke White Jr., December 2005

An address to the NAACP (the Nonsense Association for the Advancement of Crawly Protoplasms)

Ms. Cow addressing:

Dear Fellow Members,

It has come to my attention that some of my honored fellows at this assembly have accused my kind, cattle, of selling out to "The Man". Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is mankind is serving us! And we cows are proud of it!

How can this be, you say? Well, look at the plain, hard facts:

• Who gets us our food? Do we spend hours a day looking hard for something to eat? Do we have food some days and not others? No siree!  Our fine little two-footed friends scurry around endlessly looking for our food.
• How about health care? Do you see us dying of hundreds of unknown fevers? Poisoned by unclean waters? Sickened by mysterious maladies. Hardly ever! Mankind has tens of thousands of their kind checking our health continuously. There is nothing short, nasty, or brutish about our health care!
• How about breeding? There's nothing hit or miss about that. We have the finest breeding opportunities our little friends can devise. And we have prospered from it. Look at the biomass we command! Who can argue the numbers?

Not to mention good shelter in bad weather, and sophisticated help at that divine time of concern in every cow's life when she gives birth to a young one.

How can you say we are selling out? This was a tough deal to arrange, and we cows are damn lucky to still be here talking at this conference. Before we figured humans out, our ancestors were on the ropes. They hung out in just a small sliver of North Africa and Europe. And those who couldn't figure out how to get mankind working for them ... [shaking her head, looking around the audience] I don't see any of them here complaining about our selling out.

So, those of you pissing and moaning ... I think you're just jealous! It's not easy to get those human little folk to work for you, but when you do, the rewards are simply astounding.

I urge you all to give mankind a try. Sure, they are a capricious species; we have no idea what they are doing ninety percent of the time. But that last ten percent ... Oh my! They do that well, and we have prospered mightily. We cows have no second thoughts about this roller coaster ride we've jumped on to. It's been going our way since day one.

I thank you all for your kind attention.

-- The End --

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