by Roger Bourke White Jr., copyright June 2016
Snidely Whiplash was grinning and twirling his moustache as he knocked on Sweet Nell's door. He had her mortgage in hand and he was finally getting to use it to get something he had lusted for for two years now.
Sweet Nell opened the door. She dreaded what she saw. The dread grew even deeper when Snidely raised up the mortgage and brightly said, "Payment overdue ninety days now, Nell. What would you like to do about it?"
Summary
This is a day-in-the-life tale of an imaginative boy, Paul; his equally imaginative friend, Timothy; and Paul's family; as they are going through some harsh life issues. Timothy, goes crazy every so often, and today is one of those days. He thinks he is a werewolf and harasses one of the girls in his class during recess at school. Paul is nearly as crazy, he plays hooky in a creek near the school yard while playing with an ant hill in an imaginative way.
They are fifth graders, and when the school staff discovers Timothy is acting weird with girls, both are hauled into the Principal's office for some serious talk and situation evaluating.
Meanwhile, at home, Paul's mother is in the final stages of moving his father out of the house. It's divorce time. She is collecting all his basement chemistry lab and tossing it out in a way that breaks all the glassware. Paul works out a sneaky way to get his dad to come home while mom is hauling out the stuff.
Dad comes over, Paul and Timothy watch him first talk with mom, and then they get intimate with each other. Ewww! Mushy stuff!
That evening Dad really does leave for good, and the next day Timothy has been transferred to Special School.
My Response
My first thought is that this story runs on. There is a lot of description of things that don't matter. And, there are descriptions that seem inconsistent.
For me, the descriptions of mom tossing out the chemistry lab are not realistic. If those chemicals are hazardous you don't handle the glassware so that it is breaking up. That would create terrible messes in both the basement and the car as the liquid chemicals leak through the boxes. I say this partly from personal experience. I had a chemistry lab in my basement when I was a teenager. I was darn careful about how I disposed of both the chemicals and equipment when I dismantled it. Some of the dismantling was explosively spectacular -- I and my parents enjoyed the show when I tossed a block of sodium metal into a pond in our yard. In this story I cringed as I was reading about how this mom was handling the equipment -- she was likely going to get some spontaneous, surprising and seriously damaging displays.
The point of view was not consistent, either. It jumped between describing what Paul as a fifth grader was seeing and what Paul as an adult was thinking about as he reflected upon what happened way back when. This POV jumping detracted from the story. It was distracting.
All-in-all, for me this was a story that ran on a long time without capturing my interest.
Reading Werewolves is bringing up memories from when I took this course last year. One of those memories is how consistently the teacher's reading selections were about "losers" -- people with broken homes, serious personality problems, and people who weren't rising to their challenges. I found this quite bothersome, and one feeling I took away from the last class was that if these themes are a common ingredient in writing contemporary fiction, this is why I have no interest in reading it.
As I think about it, reading about successful people, clever people, and people who do rise to their challenges, is one of the big attractions I find in reading the articles in Forbes and Fortune magazines.
Summary
This is a story of the high school free spirit finally meeting the high school queen, and both having a most memorable time. Barbara Anderson was dating Brian Woodworth and Keith Zetterstrom was the invisible kid of his class. Fate has Barbara and Keith teamed up as lab partners in chemistry class and that is how they finally start talking with each other. Once that happens Barbara starts learning what a free spirit Keith is and thoroughly enjoys the oddball adventures they have around town during the last few weeks of high school. She learns, and grows, and ultimately gives up on Brian as a result. However, after that she goes away to college, she doesn't replace Brian with Keith.
My Response
I liked this better than Werewolves. I found these characters more interesting and less losers than the Werewolves characters. The descriptions of free-spirit adventures worked well for me.
I walked in the kitchen door. In with me came Jasmine, my soon-to-be-a-mother Siamese cat. So soon, I had to rush and find a box for her to give birth in. I put it on the linoleum floor of the kitchen with a towel inside. She got in and started.
This was not my first watching-a-cat-birthing, so while she was busy with that, I got a bowel, a spoon, and a box of cereal and put them on the table. Out of the fridge I got a bottle of milk and started breakfast. It was going to be a joyful day.
I finished and ten minutes later the first kitten came out. It was all black. Whoops! Jasmine had been sporting around while she was in heat -- first three black kittens, then three Siamese kittens followed.
Time to restock. Time for the grocery store run. I headed for Harmon's and slipped into my favorite slot, the handicap parking. I walked past the huge rack of specialty foods -- ranging from gummy bears through apricots to raw cashews. I was headed for... yogurt, the new Italian yogurt. On the way to that isle I passed clumsy old men, bored mothers, hot looking teens with phones, and running wild kids eyeing the shelves. I dodged them all... and made it! Ah... on sale and in a six pack. I grabbed my treasure and then headed for the candy cane aisle -- time for a sweet reward.
Earnest was beyond huffing and puffing now. He was just doing it; just getting it done.
He was climbing Mount Timpanogos in the dark. He had been for hours now. And, the clock was ticking, he knew that too. He could see the eastern sky getting brighter and brighter.
The camera and tripod now felt like they weighed fifty pounds, but if he was going to get his sunrise picture of Utah Valley, and get it in HDR, he had to lug them along.
(motivation: accomplish a project)
Summary
This is the story of the antics that happen when a couple of Brownie packs meet on a camping ground for a camping trip, and one group wants to pick a fight with the other. There is a lot of description of the people's mannerisms and the setting. The excuse for picking the fight is that one girl from the other pack called one of the girls in the POV character's pack a nigger. There is a plot hatched to have a fight in the bathroom. But when they get there they discover the white girls are special needs girls and the insult likely didn't really happen. The fight doesn't happen and instead the girls learn more about the world and each other.
My Response
Yet another story I can't get into. It's not as melodramatic as Werewolves, but it's yet another story about people with problems, not people with solutions. The best part for me was that the fight didn't happen and that the girls learned a lot from the confrontation.
Summary
This is the story of a psychologist, with such a love of poker that it is a borderline problem for him, treating a successful professional poker player who is in danger of losing his wife over his gambling. The patient has a mouth and much of this story is about the dialog these two engage in. The climax is a traditional one, a poker hand being played between these two, and the stakes keep rising. The ending is a clever one, a nice twist.
My Response
The start was slow for me. An early inconsistency was a mention of the casino on the protagonist's home computer that his son spotted and revealed to his wife. Why would he have anything about the casino on his home computer? Moving through that, the dialog worked well when the gambler got into the story. And as the story got more clever I enjoyed it more. In the end, the title seemed off. Neither character in this seemed to be motivated by too much greed.
Lobby Watching
The way people walk through lobbies these days!
Courtesy now is sharing opening the double doors. And if one is dominant -- such as a mother/son combo -- that is clear, too, no matter who is opening the door. The other change is mixing smart phones and walking -- Zombie Mode, as I call it. I wonder how that will keep evolving in the future?
(inspired by the Lobby Watching above)
Bill opened the lobby door for his mom. She walked through at full speed to the inner door and opened that herself without a glance back at Bill. She had the upcoming meeting on her mind. Bill would take care of himself just fine.
Summary
This is a family living in Heber, husband, wife and young daughter. The husband and wife have a whole bunch of annual rituals they engage in. The ones talked about in this story center around Christmas activities and sledding down a street in Heber in pre-Christmas snow. There are lots of references to specific places in Heber and Salt Lake valleys.
My Response
Wow! What a ritual-filled life. This I find boring, not sweet. "Get a life, you two! er... you three! Do things that aren't rituals." That said, the writing is clear and it is easy to keep track of the characters and their idiosyncrasies.
Summary
The story of Saburo, a man living in post-war Japan, and his mother, father and uncle-in-law as they all live and age as Japan recovers from the devastation that came with defeat in World War Two. It is a story of stoic people, there is some excess, but not much, and instead a rational rhythm of life as the community around them rebuilds and prospers, and the family members do too. The uncle dies in Saburo's childhood, his mother in his teenage years and his father when he is in his thirties. They all lead good lives.
My Response
I liked this story because it is about good people leading good lives. They are acting rationally and don't do stupid or silly things, even in times of tragedy. Also, there is less about setting in this which is good because the story concentrates on that which is relevant. What is relevant is how people are acting and what Saburo is thinking.
Parataxis
It was dawn. It was bitterly cold. It was os cold the snow was hoar frost, not moist flakes. It crunched when you walked on it.
Metataxis
Bitter cold it was at dawn. So cold that the sow was hoar frost and walking on it produced a distinctive crunch.
Gag! That stupid, moronic driver just cut me off. Damn! I was going to turn there, now I have to go two blocks further. Or U-turn. I look at the traffic coming up the other way. Thin. OK I'll U-turn and save the day.
Summary
This is an entertaining comedy about a loser Indian trying to get his grandma's powwow dress back after he sees it in a pawn shop. He's homeless and broke. His friends are homeless and broke. He stays that way as he searches for a way to come up with a thousand dollars in 24 hours to pay the pawn shop owner for the dress. He doesn't get the money but he does run into enough kind people that he stays drunk the full day and gets the dress.
My Response
The comedy elements were good. I stayed with the story even though it is about an endless stream of losers. The dialog, the characters, the settings, and the comic irony all worked well. It is a tall tale -- an example: no one could get that drunk that often in just twenty four hours. This is also a fine example of ethnic humor, something I enjoy but is a story and entertainment form that is getting swept away by political correctness and Tender Snowflakism. In my mind this is a lot like a Three Stooges episode.
Ground level -- a young woman is looking for a husband
Conflict -- she has a boy in mind, that she likes, but he's a loser
Rising tension -- what to do about this? a) find a new boy; b) reform her existing boy
Resolution -- reform the existing boy by giving him a new role: stay at home dad
Sub plot -- her current job is boring, she is looking for a new job
First, think of a steam engine on a railroad track. With that in mind, read this...
Don't switch the engine, it has a tender behind.
Summary
This is written in a strange dialect. I don't recognize it. That is strange because I know a lot of dialects and geography. The protagonist rambles on. It's not clear where he's getting his dates from, but he's getting a long stream of them, and from many sources. He's a school boy dating pro.
My Response
All-in-all, a really strange story. I admit, I haven't read one like it before. It has no context, so it stayed strange. There was a mention of a New Jersey sunset, so perhaps this is set in some inner city neighborhood in Jersey. But overall, it was such a strange story that I just don't know.
Summary
A strange tense choice -- telling this in future tense but with specifics that would imply things that have already happened. This is a romance taking place in Alaska in December between a protagonist woman and a "ramblin man". In spite of his rambling she chooses (or will choose, given the verb tense) to continue the relation. There are inconsistencies, such as leaving a dog in a dog house during way-sub-zero weather.
My Response
The verb tense got my attention. Other than that it is a classic story of a woman faced with the hard choice of how to deal with a man her heart likes a lot, but who is far from a prince charming who will love only her.
Summary
This is a strange piece. It starts out about Connie, an attractive fifteen year old high school girl who is living with her rather conventional family. She is pretty and has school admirers. She has been sneaking into to a restaurant where older kids hang out. There she spotted, but did not talk to, a stranger who looked mysterious and interesting. The next day the family went to a BBQ with a relative across town. Connie stays home. Now the story gets strange. This mysterious stranger from the restaurant drives up her home driveway in a strange car with a strange companion. He tries to talk Connie into coming out for a ride. The attempt goes on for quite a while, half the story, and Connie's grasp of reality gets weaker and weaker as the conversation goes on. In the end, pretty much out of touch with herself, she goes out.
My Response
This story goes from fairly conventional in the beginning to really strange in the end. Why it was getting strange I could not figure out. So in the end the whole story was a head scratcher for me. I was not sure why I should be interested in it. The descriptions of the kitchen, car and people in the second half didn't add anything for me because I couldn't figure out why I should care about these people. They were just too strange, with no good reason for them being strange.
So, you want to work a trade show floor well, do you? Keep these points in mind:
o You should stand. The people you need to reach out to are walking. If you're standing you're eye-to-eye with them.
o Have a snappy opening -- something you can say that will get their attention and pause them. At a book show I say, "[Do] You like science fiction?"
o Have a four minute pitch ready for when you do get their interest -- just four minutes. This is a trade show. You have to talk to a lot of people.
o Have something they can take with them as a reminder -- something to spark up their thinking about you after they get home.
The Trans World Airways (TWA) Boeing 707 was flying high above the clouds in the 1960's. This was a "red-eye" flight from New York to Los Angeles and only sparsely filled with passengers. Midway through the journey the good-looking stewardess walks up to the handsome business man who is still awake.
She gives him a big smile that says something is on her mind. She says in a sultry way, "Do you want some TWA water, TWA coffee," pauses and smiles even bigger, "or some TWA tea?"
The man looks at her, looks again, and says, "Are we talking about a Mile High Club membership here?"
The stewardess smiles back, "We are... when I'm Not Occupied." she looks over at the rest room just down the corridor and gives him a wink.
Sally Forth had made it. She was at the altar in the Temple of the Jolly Jade Giant and there it was: The Sword of Shanana.
She picked it up. She felt a thrill... and heard a chord of music come from out of nowhere.
She swung the blade. The music continued, and after a few bars along with it came a male chorus singing "Shanana". That startled her. Inadvertently she swung the blade into the temple wall. Rather than clanging and bouncing off, the blade cut through it.
A rush of cool, odd-smelling air came out of the slit.
"Stop! Stop!" she heard come from the far side.
She didn't. Three more swipes and a square piece of wall fell to the floor. On the far side was a 21st century bedroom with a young man at a computer in it.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the wall." he typed.
And she didn't.
Five possible magical elements --
1. Gravity is different (a weightless world)
2. See five minutes into the future (used as a car driver)
3. Grow younger instead of older ("Wise man and Genie" wish)
4. Regeneration (typical superhero property)
5. Immortality, but can be killed (high elf stuff)
Pick one and write:
Hot dang! It sure is fun getting somewhere fast! I can drive like a crazy man and never suffer consequences. I tried Uber for a couple days, and scared people to death. I switched to package delivery, and that is sweet work.
Then I discovered something called the stock market.
Summary
This is the story of an old crippled father talking with his grown up daughter who is caring for him about the stories she writes. In the beginning he complains that her stories aren't simple enough and he gives some famous Russian writers as examples of those doing it right. She writes him a quick story, and he then complains it doesn't have enough details in it, and he gives more author names as examples. They go through three cycles of this.
My Response
There are comic elements to this -- the theme of the father complaining that the child can never do a task quite right. In this case happening between a doddering old parent and an accomplished child. It is interesting to watch the story being told evolve. But, having it happen in a New York neighborhood is a trope for me.
Summary
This is the story of a very old man with wings, possibly an angel, coming to a small village by the sea in central America. The characters in the story start out as very rural, and stay that way throughout -- no scientists or city slicker types ever show up to investigate. After months of living in a chicken coop the angel finally recovers its flying ability and flies away.
My Response
This is a head-trippy story. There's a lot of description of a very poor, very isolated and rural village with interesting characters reacting to this strange occurrence. There is little consistency, but given how inconsistent the rural folk are, it doesn't hurt the story much.
Summary
This is the story of a woman who comes to a town to open the branch of a car rental agency. She is looking for a room to rent and talking with a real estate agent about that. It turns out the town is quite unusual: every building in the town is a church; each is a different Protestant denomination; most do double duty as a church and some other function for the town. As the woman discovers this she becomes not sure she will fit in. The real estate agent assures her she will, because the town really needs a car rental shop to more closely approach perfection.
My Response
The story is short and interesting. It gets to the point quickly and concludes quickly as the point is made. I like that. The point is: how important is social conformity to a community? In this one it is very important. It reminds me of Stepford Wives.
Summary
A cute over-the-top piece written as a conversation by a teacher about many class projects that involve caring for plants and animals, and all ending in death. It then expands beyond school projects to parents and then students. And then goes even more over the top when the students ask the teacher to make love to the class teaching assistant.
My Response
It was short and fun. The conversation started with lots of verbal commas and lots of "Blame Them" attitude (my term). It made it clear this was only a mediocre teacher. That established, it then became clear this was a strange school. And that established, it then went over the top, and that was fun.
Summary
This is a story which starts out looking like a personality test of some kind. From there it evolves into a lot of sentences which are certainly not part of a test. They are complete sentences with complete thoughts being expressed, but by the end they aren't part of any kind of real test.
My Response
It's strange. It holds my interest for a while, but by the end it's just strange. I don't see much to take away from it.
Note: These are inspired by songs I learned in summer camp way back when. As I think back, those camp songs are great examples of absurdist story telling. I now wonder, how long have they been around?
Found a peanut -- It was rotten -- Ate it anyway -- Got Sick -- Called a doctor -- Died anyway -- Went to heaven -- Went to hell [[I can't remember any more]]
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly... I guess she'll die. Swallowed a spider ... who wriggled and squiggled inside her. [[can't remember more, then comes the final line]] She swallowed a horse, she died of course.
On top of spaghetti all covered with sauce, I saw my first meatball and then it was lost. It rolled off the table and on to the floor. Then over the carpet and right out the door. [[more verses]]
This left-handed screwdriver fills a long neglected need. How many south paws have had to get by using the right-handed version? How many have been told, "Of course! It's for your right hand. You wouldn't want to use your wrong... um, I mean other hand, would you?"
On the other hand, how may items have been mis-conscrewed because of this lack of post-modern thinking about this topic so germane to our daily French lives?
Summary
This is a comic piece. It is a report written in modern language using modern terms about an effort to build a village gate defense consisting of pouring hot oil on attackers who are trying to beat the village gate down. The defense hasn't worked, yet, but the report writer is optimistic. Another fun feature is the many kinds of goths mentioned. All these goths would place this as happening in an end of Western Roman empire setting.
My Response
This is a good comic piece satirizing how modern performance reports are written. It is about how the report writer must interact with the media reporting on the progress of a project. There are lot of inconsistencies in what is being reported, such as 100 foot high walls for a village, but that didn't get in the way of the humor.
Summary
This is a story about a dystopia where everyone is handicapped to be equal. A husband and wife are watching a TV show with ballerinas who are functioning as average people -- everyone wears devices to keep them equal. The performance is interrupted by the appearance of their son, who is quite above average in many ways and has been in prison for showing off his above averageness. Here he does so again, with the assistance of one of the ballerinas who also turns about to be well-gifted in many ways. Their performance comes to an abrupt end when the Handicapper General comes in and shoots and kills both of them. With the help of their handicap equipment Mom and dad quickly forget the incident.
Response
This is a nice story with a moral about the dangers of striving for too much equality among people. It is a silly and over the top story, but it is short and I understand it, so it works for me.
--The End--