Here is a collection of jokes collected from the Internet.
Chuck Norris got shot. Chuck Norris is fine, but the bullet is in critical condition.
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
Julius Caesar walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
They taste different.
Have you ever heard of Chirpies?
It's a canarial disease that is untweetable.
What is the difference between broccoli and boogers?
You can't get your kids to eat broccoli.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Did you hear about the new drug being marketed, to help repressed men cry?
It's called Niagra.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge! No sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
An 89 year old man was stopped by the police around 2AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Why are there no Irish lawyers?
You ever seen an Irishman pass a bar?
Q: What do you call a prostitute's children?
A: Brothel sprouts.
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with Everything." When he gave him a 20 and asked for his change, the vendor replied, "Ah, change comes from within."
When Jerry came home one day, his wife demanded that he take her some place expensive. So he took her to a gas station.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks,"Olive or twist?"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."
There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"
Herman says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"
An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The man turns to her and says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Ellen hinted to Ricky about what she wanted for their upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
Ricky bought her a scale.
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
Wife Nancy sat down on the couch next to husband Rick as he was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
He replies, "Dust."
Andrew was desperately looking for a parking spot. Job interview coming up in just ten minutes. Nothing… nothing… nothing…
He looks up and prays, "Lord! If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday and quit drinking."
The ground trembles and a chorus comes from above. A parking place appears!
Andrew looks up again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
Did you hear about the Smoky Mountain Man who died and left his entire estate in trust to his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he brought to class a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher as he put a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" asked the teacher.
Billy answered, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth.
The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.
A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled, "You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked.
"For making an obscene clone fall."
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Texas?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A mom calls out to her son "Johnny! Wake up! You'll be late for school."
Johnny replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school! The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!"
The mom says back, "You should go because you're the principal!"
A man is at work one day, when he notices that his colleague, an accountant, is wearing an earring. The guy knows that his colleague is normally a conservative chap, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".
So he walks up to him and says, "I didn't know that you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." he replies sheepishly.
The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide." she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.
He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow."
The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."
"But," the dog says, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
"Twenty dollars," she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty dollars. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the cop.
"I'm making love to me wife." Murphy answers sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!"
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"
"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
"Mother, I want to quit the veil."
"But why, my child?"
"To become a prostitute."
"What? What are you saying?"
"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother."
"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.
He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
Two blondes are walking through the woods when they come upon some tracks. The first one exclaims, "Ohhhhh Moose tracks!" The second one shakes her head and says, "No way, those are deer tracks." And they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Why do women gain weight after they get married?
Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.
A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead.
The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?"
The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in."
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during intimate moments," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues, "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for dealing?
He was selling "quack".
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the cops show up and ask him what happened he replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches." and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone.
Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, It's the minister," he said to his mother.
From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back."
Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!..... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
Two Cannibals were eating a clown. One asked the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her... by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb." answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off." said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
"Home. I can't work in the dark."
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine." said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "they must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees, "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied, "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
What did the one snowman say to the other snowman?
Smells like carrots.
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
To find a tight seal.
Lets go get some Ethiopian food. Never had it? Neither have they.
Never tell jokes to Kleptomaniacs. They take things literally.
How do you keep an actor in suspense?
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
What's the best part of having sex with twenty-eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
What do you call a camel with no humps?
What do you call a fish with legs?
A man walks into a bar.
What an idiot.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders 1/2 a beer, the third orders 1/4 of a beer, the fourth orders 1/8 of a beer, and so on. After about 6 mathematicians, the bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "This is ridiculous. You folks really ought to know your limits."
What was Helen Keller's favorite color?