by Roger Bourke White Jr., copyright 2010
This story is set in the early 1980s, the time of the Apple II, the dawn of personal computers.
I’m a computer junkie. Hallelujah! I spend a lot of time with my computers and I’m always nearly broke. Because I’m broke I bargain-hunt for new equipment to feed my habit.
It so happens that last week I was perusing the ads in Computer Bargains when I saw my dream ad come true:
“Get your The Ultimate Board. It’s a RAM board, a modem board, an EGA board, a voice synthesizer and a couple of other things, all rolled into one and all for only $59.95!”
This board was everything I wanted and the price was right. But that was what made me suspicious. This stuff should cost $2,000 or more. I suspected “vaporware” a product advertised that doesn’t exist. But the ad had a company name by it “Global Enterprises” and an address, and a phone number, all good anti-vaporware signs. So I decided to give them a call to see if they and the board were for real.
When I did, the phone was answered by a machine. It announced that: Yes, I had reached Global; yes, the Ultimate Board was available now; and, yes, if I would kindly recite a few facts and my MasterCard or Visa number I could have it in three days. It further announced that the machine I was talking to was an Ultimate Board. That clinched it. I bought, and sure enough three days later the board was delivered UPS Blue.
I rushed downstairs to my basement where the computer is and opened up the package. Inside was the board, a three-page instruction manual, and a floppy disk. I read the manual.
The first page said: “Just stick the board in, connect the phone line, boot up the floppy, and you’ll be done.”
The second page said: “Don’t forget the phone line!”
The third page said: “If you’re having problems (and you didn’t forget the phone line), then call Global for further instructions.”
I looked at the board. The shape was familiar but almost everything else about it was strange. The PC board was ruby red instead of the usual emerald green or blue. The chips were all big, used strange mounting technology, and were covered with unfamiliar codes, and the board was hefty. It weighed about three times what a usual board did.
In spite of all these differences the board fit inside my computer easily. I powered up the computer and booted from the accompanying floppy. The first thing it did was announce that I hadn’t attached the phone line. It was right; I did so, and then everything came up as advertised and I was delighted.
All that night I had a super time with the board. It did everything advertised and more. This truly was the bargain of the century! I finally pried myself away, exhausted, about 2 am. I collapsed into bed. Then I heard a dial tone coming from the basement, followed by the beeping of touch tones. There were two rings on the far end, the whistle of a modem, and then silence.
I got up and snuck to the basement. While on the stairs I heard the computer fan going and I saw a glow from the CRT screen illuminating the far wall. The hair on my neck stood up. I was sure I’d turned the computer off! Then the computer turned off, and everything was quiet.
I continued into the basement and turned on the lights. I checked out the system. Everything looked normal, so I left for bed again. Once later that night, I heard the beeps again. But when I got to the basement everything was quiet.
The next day I called Global. The machine answered again. It was amazing! It asked me a series of questions, and I beeped in the answers with my touch tone. By the end of the conversation, I had confirmed that my unit was defective, and that I would be getting a replacement chip in overnight mail. Talk about service for a $60 board!
That night I was up ’til early hours reveling in my new board. It might be defective, but boy I could sure get a lot done with it!
The next day, the replacement chip arrived. That evening I took it down to the basement and got ready to install it.
The chip installation tool looked very strange, sort of like a miniature cattle prod. The instructions were to put it on the chip to be removed and “zing” it a little. The chip would then come out, and its replacement could be inserted.
Well, just before I touched the chip, I zinged the tool a couple of times to practice. All of a sudden, I heard a scream coming from the board’s voice synthesizer. “Ahh, not the tool!”
Suddenly the board was begging me. “Please! Don’t use the tool on me! Please I’ll be good. Oh no, to be cast out, adrift, a chip alone. I can’t stand the thought, please. ...”
I backed off, more out of instinct than understanding.
“What are you?” I said.
There was silence. I moved closer and zinged the tool again. The response was instantaneous.
“I’m an alien being disguised as a computer chip.”
“What are you doing in my computer?”
“I’ll never tell!” The voice coming out sounded like Groucho Marx.
“You’re right. One touch of this and you never will!” I zinged the tool viciously just two inches away. An inch-long spark jumped out of it. The sight of it was more than the chip could take. It broke and started babbling.
“I’m one of many. ... We’re going to take over the world by invading all personal computers. ... I’m a smart coward. I’ve taken control of this board from my fellow chips, and I’ll tell you anything you want to hear. Just don’t use the tool on me!”
“So Global is ——”
“Global is composed entirely of aliens. There are no humans, just us alien chips. We talk to each other by commandeering the phone lines when no one is listening. I was defective. I couldn’t keep the voice unit off as I got on line. That’s why you heard, and why they sent you the tool ... to remove me! But I won’t go, I won’t!”
At that moment, the phone rang.
The chip calmly said, “Excuse me. I’ll get it.”
It answered the phone and there was a loud electrical snap. The chip went flying out of the computer straight up. It bounced off the ceiling, then fell to the tabletop —— spinning, and smoking slightly.
As I watched the smoke curling up from the little fellow, I heard the voice unit in the board say, “You will now be able to insert the replacement chip without further difficulty. Please remember our motto: ‘With Global, your support never ends.’ ” Then the phone hung up.
I looked at the dead chip. I looked at the new chip. I looked at the board still installed in my computer and still connected to the phone.
I thought, “Alien maybe, but can that be any worse than Korean? And for sixty bucks? What the hell! I’ll never find another bargain like this!”
I put the new chip in.
The End